languatron
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Life could be this beautiful without NBC-TV in it.
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As we all know, the Sci-Fi Channel is not a stranger to failed television series. Hell, thanks to Bonnie Hammer; the phenomenon of failed television series has been thriving for 13 years and keeps getting a new lease on life!! Bonnie Hammer has more failed television series hanging over her head than the combined totals of ABC-TV, CBS-TV and NBC-TV spanning the past 50 years. Lately, the failing ratings of Ronald D. Moore's television series has prompted Sci-Fi Channel to shoot for a second season. And I use the term "Shoot For" in the broadest possible terms imaginable. Ratings that would barely cover the catering budget for Ron Moore's production on a Thursday afternoon has Sci-Fi Channel executives jumping for joy. (Go figure.)
Now, available for the first time on the Internet; is the official "Sci-Fi Channel Manual On Reviving A Failed Television Series" (recently rewritten to cover Ronald D. Moore's production). Be warned: This is not the for the faint of heart, or those who recently looked at a photo of Bonnie Hammer after eating a "Chili Dog"......
.......Top Secret.....Property Of NBC/Universal/Sci-Fi Channel.....For Internal Eyes Only......Internal/Corporate Breakdown For Reviving A Failed Television Series Under The Most Adverse Ratings Conditions For Maximum Political Benefits......
I. Doctoring The Books
a) Negative marketing over the Internet will utilize www.Scifi.com/Scifiwire for the spreading of false and
misleading ratings information. Negative marketing will also encompass the following web sites for maximum
political gain.....www.Cylon.org.....www.Stallioncornell.com/board......www.Ragnaranchorage.tk.....www.Galactica
2003.net.....www.Syfyportal.com......www.Trekweb.com.....Scifipulse.net....False ratings information to be posted
on these web sites during the entire time Ronald D. Moore series is in production.....
II. The Construction Of False Fanbases
a) The above web sites will also be utilized for the construction of false fanbases by Universal employees....Universal
employees posing as fans....Genuine genre fans in the public domain will be screened by all moderators of these
sites....If anyone in the public domain posts anything that attacks Ronald D. Moore's production in any way, or
attacks any of Universal's interests, they are to be banned immediately and their posts deleted. These sites will also
be utilized to spread misleading information about the actual progress and true status of Ronald D. Moore's series. It
is hereby ordered that the misleading marketing tagline...."Ron Moore's series has been renewed for 20 episodes"
will be distributed to all of these sites immediately.
b) Any Universal employees on-line posing as Ron Moore fans are hereby ordered to attack anyone in the public
who criticizes Ronald D. Moore's production. Universal employees are expected to patrol all on-line bulletin boards
in eight hour shifts. Overnight shifts will be broken up into two, four hour shifts. Patrols will be seven days a week,
four weeks a month, 12 months a year. Thanksgiving and Christmas will also be "Patrol Days."
III. Relaying Misleading Ratings Information To "Sky One."
a) All misleading press releases released by www.Scifi.com/Scifiwire, after they have been given the appearance of
being factual.....will be relayed to "Sky One" as grounds and justification for additional funding for further episodes
of Ronald D. Moore's series....."Sky One" will be encouraged not to double check the figures....as they will be told
that www.Scifi.com/Scifiwire is reliable. If they are insistent on double checking the figures, they are to be told a
Sci-Fi Channel employee will do it for them.
IV. Public Appearances By Ron Moore's Cast & Crew
a) During conventions, or television seminars, the cast and crew of Ronald D. Moore's production is hereby instructed
to shovel the bull. They are to say the following:
1a) The show is doing well.
1b) The show is a critical and ratings smash.
1c) Sci-Fi Channel has ordered 12 additional seasons.
1d) Ronald D. Moore is God.
1e) Bonnie Hammer is God's gift to cable.
1f) If these guidelines are not followed, the offending cast or crew member will be discharged.
V. Buying TV Guide's Praise / Bribing Matt Roush
a) Matt Roush of TV Guide is the only friend we have in the print media. In order to keep Matt Roush happy, and in
order to maintain his praises of Ronald D. Moore's series in his column, the following guidelines will be followed by
NBC/Universal/Sci-Fi Channel:
1a) Matt Roush likes his "Dunkin Donuts" and hot coffee delivered at 8:55 a.m. Monday - Friday to the
TV Guide offices.
1b) When Tricia Helfer is giving Matt Roush his daily back rub, she will wear a different colored "Thong"
every morning.
1c) Special requests for Mariska Hargitay by Matt Roush will also be honored as well.
1d) Matt Roushes daily jaunts to the topless bars will be charged to the Universal expense accounts.
1e) Matt Roush wants his "Knight Rider" car with a convertible roof and "Colonial Viper" laser gun mounts.
Make it happen.
1f) Matt Roush wants Katee Sackhoff in "footsies pajamas" when they play "Patty Cake." Make it happen.
We welcome all internal input here at NBC/Universal, and we enourage original and sinister thinking. If any Universal employee of any rank has any further ideas as to how we can get a "Failed Television Series" renewed for a second season, please do not
hesitate to relay the information to your department head...... 
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