languatron
Moderator
Hero Member
Posts: 689
Life could be this beautiful without NBC-TV in it.
|
1) Make sure that the TV show is not Science Fiction.
2) Find an abandoned warehouse in Vancouver, and cram as many low budget, styrofoam sets into the warehouse as you can.
3) Hire the cheapest producers money can buy (Ronald D. Moore and David Eick).
4) Orchestras are too expensive. Hire a "Bongo Drummer" to beat out a few notes for background music.
5) Costume designers are too expensive. Hire a "Wardrobe Mistress" at $5.00/hr. to "blanket shop" Wal-Mart" for the cheapest clothes and deals money can buy.
6) Salvage as many of Tom DeSanto's former "Galactica" sets as you can find. Strip them down and build them back up with styrofoam in order to give them that "Low Budget, Sci-Fi Channel Look."
7) Hire the cheapest actors money can buy. Edward James Olmos has had the same facial expression since the final episode of "Miami Vice" in 1989. Non expressive actors are cheaper than expressive ones.
 Have the "Star Trek Concordance" and "Star Trek: Starfleet Technical Manual" always in front of you for creative (plagiaristic) inspiration. Derivative ideas are cheaper to pay for than original ones.
9) Don't build any of your sets larger than the back seat of a station wagon. Anything bigger is difficult to light.
10) Instead of building expensive robot costumes, hire actresses in spandex dresses to double as your aliens.
11) Never admit to the NBC executive brass that you don't know a damn thing about Science Fiction.
12) Have most of your schedule consist of "Reality Shows" that can be shot on the cheapest videotape mankind can invent.
13) Ask Jerry Springer's agent to send you the "Paranormal Equal Of Jerry Springer" in the form of John Edward.
14) Don't clutter up the Sci-Fi Channel schedule with any quality programming. This might distract viewers too much from the infomercials.
15) If you as Bonnie Hammer, want any of the cast members or producers from any of your tv shows to make convention appearances, don't forget to tell your cast members and producers to insult the public on a regular basis at the conventions.
16) If the ratings on any of your tv shows are low, instruct Sci-Fi/Wire to claim the exact opposite.
17) Keep the same inexperienced production crew cranking out all of your "Saturday Night Movie" TRASH FESTS. 
18) Get all of the former "Star Trek" staff writers under one roof at Sci-Fi Channel so that the reputation of your network can DISINTEGRATE even more.
19) In the grand tradition of Ron Moore's "Trekkie Star: Galactica", pattern all of your future Sci-Fi Channel productions after the FADING & ARCHAIC "Star Trek" franchise.
20) Assign Martin Scorsese to a future Sci-Fi Channel production if such a move would somehow boost your ego as a Sci-Fi Channel programmer. Whatever FLOATS YOUR BOAT, right?
|
Author
Logged