languatron
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Life could be this beautiful without NBC-TV in it.
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The Sci-Fi Channel bumpers are exactly what we would expect from a woman who used to run the ultimate underestimation of the viewing public's intelligence: WORLD WRESTLING ON SATURDAY AFTERNOONS. After viewing more than a half dozen of the Sci-Fi Channel's bumpers, it is fairly obvious that Bonnie Hammer never knew what direction to take this channel in. Each bumper begins with the word "IF" reverse morphing into the "FI" in "SCI-FI." We then get INCOHERENT GIBBERISH such as:
1) A dog and its master pressing their tongues against one another.
2) The bald head of a sumu wrestler morphing into a crocodile's mouth.
3) Two wrestler's bodies merging into one body.
Bonnie Hammer's OBSESSION with the word "IF" has been the focal point of these bumpers since day one. This is obviously some inside joke for her and her staff, as the viewing public has no idea what the hell this is in reference to. Many critics of the Sci-Fi Channel have used this against Bonnie Hammer in many JUSTIFIED ATTACKS on her and her channel:
1) What "IF" the Sci-Fi Channel were managed properly?
2) What "IF" Bonnie Hammer knew what the hell she was doing?
3) What "IF" Sci-Fi Channel were actually a Science Fiction channel?
4) What "IF" Bonnie Hammer knew what the hell the genre was?
5) What "IF" Sci-Fi Channel had one iota of entertainment value?
6) What "IF" Sci-Fi Channel attracted viewers instead of driving them away?
Like the channel itself, the Sci-Fi Channel bumpers FAIL to define and reflect what sort of channel this is. It ISN'T a Science Fiction channel. It ISN'T any sort of channel in particular. It is what it is, which ISN'T ANYTHING. The Sci-Fi Channel is a channel about NOTHING. Attacking one of the bumpers in particular, we have a dog and its master pressing their tongues against the other's tongue. What does this say about the IDENTITY of the Sci-Fi Channel? NOT A DAMN THING. The channel's IDENTITY is not clarified in this bumper. This bumper says to the audience:
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SORT OF CHANNEL WE ARE, BUT WE HOPE YOU THE VIEWER
WILL FIND SOME SORT OF DEFINITION IN THIS BUMPER....
The Sci-Fi Channel's bumpers are "ABSTRACT ANTI-ART." Gibberish in every sense of the word, conceived by marketing people who grasp for straws, and hope for the best. Bonnie Hammer and her marketing people have no clearer understanding of what this channel is supposed to be, than the day they first arrived on the job. Incoherent bumpers saturated in cheap CGI effects do no more of a job defining what this channel is, than Bonnie Hammer's DAILY STABS at programming.
Sci-Fi Channel is the farthest thing from NBC-Universal's immediate concerns. A cheap, little broadcasting subsidiary that is spared the NBC-Universal axe as long as it continues chugging along, sprinkling pocket change into NBC-Universal's pockets at pre-determined amounts. As long as this bare minimum requirement is met, NBC-Universal DOESN"T GIVE A SHIT if this channel has a COHERENT IDENTITY or not. One of the reasons why a NO TALENT HACK like Bonnie Hammer has been given such a LARGE RUBBER ROOM to play in with no boundaries.
Without identity, without definition, the channel called "Sci-Fi Channel" chugs along with each passing, broadcast day; with no constructive purpose for its existence other than simply because, "it is there, it exists,.....period." An obvious corporate mandate of NBC-Universal that even they don't have to explain why they exist. It is enough for them that they simply "are what they are, and are here now", with no explanation owed to anyone as to "why." And certainly, with how Universal has conducted itself over the years (even before corporate mommy NBC arrived); the explanation as to "why" they exist is indeed OWED to the general public. "Making money" is NOT a good enough explanation, in light of how Universal has treated the public over the years.
The Sci-Fi Channel's earlier bumpers fared no better. "I Am Sci-Fi" left viewers as much in the dark as the present bumpers. The Sci-Fi Channel bumpers are an endless series of "Inside Jokes" that only Bonnie Hammer and her staff comprehend. Yet more proof that Sci-Fi Channel does not exist to entertain a viewing public, but rather to entertain the Sci-Fi Channel corporate employees. At a literal level, "I Am Sci-Fi" can mean that everyone else except the Sci-Fi Channel is Science Fiction.
These bumpers cost the Sci-Fi Channel no more than a $1.98 to shoot, so it comes as no surprise that new ones pop up frequently. The marketing geniuses at Sci-Fi Channel who conceive these dreary jabs at rationality do no more of a better job coming up with logic in these things than the "Geico" marketing people.
For a channel that routinely jumps from a "Cape Fear" rerun, to "Stargate: SG1", to a late night infomercial with Ron Popeil, the last thing they should want to have is INCOHERENT bumpers that leaves viewers even further in the dark as to what this channel is. Sci-Fi Channel is an AMATEUR, MARKETING STAB at what the business people running Sci-Fi Channel think Science Fiction is. They THINK,...it's cheap gimmicks. They THINK....it's bug eyed monsters. They THINK....it's whatever Bonnie Hammer says it is. The INCOHERENT BUMPERS cover their tracks. Enabling them to jump, AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE, to whatever CHEAP PROGRAMMING STUNTS they can wrap the Science Fiction definition around. As long as the bumpers remain INCOHERENT and VAGUE, their definition of Science Fiction can remain INCOHERENT and VAGUE; enabling "Cape Fear" reruns.
The Sci-Fi Channel bumpers remind you of the worst television commercials ever written, where they were so poorly written, you couldn't figure out what was attempted at being said. The Sci-Fi Channel logo may appear at the conclusion of the bumpers, but the purpose of the bumpers defining what Sci-Fi Channel is, is NEVER accomplished. Thus, we have the logo on top of the bumpers that Bonnie Hammer and her staff only get. 
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